The First of Novemeber

So this is the month that we tell everyone what we are thankful for. Life is so short I can't understand why we don't tell one another how much we love and appreciate them daily. Today though I choose to speak about my kids. Austin Ryan Tarkowski was my first child to come into this world. He is the one who will keep the Tarkowski name going on. Marty and I waited five years for this child to grace us with his presence yet he was not coming into this world to easy. After a c-section and forceful hands he was delivered and our family and our lives were forever changed. Austin will never know or understand how much I love him, how much he really means to me not only being my first but my only son. I hope someday he will read this and know that NO MATTER WHAT  this mom will forever love him unconditionally
Alexis Renee Tarkowski  is my second child, she is the one who slipped in under the radar until I went to give blood and was unable too. Boom the second child, a girl was coming. She is my planner, the child that has learned a such a young age to be so mature and adult like. Sometimes it scares me that so much is on her plate. I do rely on her way to much and she will never know the depth of my love and admiration for her. She is my go getter. I am at awe of her. I love her more than life herself. I hope one day she reads this and knows how much I appreciate her and admire the young woman that she has become..
When I look at these two beautiful children I can't help but wonder what their father would have thought had he gotten to see the young adults they have become. I hope LIFE brings them joy and love and an endless supply of money.
 My third child Rebecca Joy Abbate was my 40 yr. old surprise. She is that child that is keeping her mother young. In everything she does she has so much excitement and Joy. We have so much fun seeing the world through her eyes. She is so accepting and non judgmental.Without a doubt Rebecca was a gift from God to help me from having empty nest syndrome. With her sister and brother adults now she is the one who fills the void, I hope she knows that she makes the world better with just her smile and " I love you Mommy" .
Thank you God for my children each unique but equally loved and important. I couldn't see myself living without them. I pray everyday that you surround them with your protection love and grace. As a mother I just want my kids to be happy and love God not necessary in that order since God is first but yes that is what I want for the loves of my life.

Thought for the day

The statement above is something hard for me to do. I am a planner, however I do love doing fun spontaneous things. I wish Tom would be a little more spontaneous or maybe even plan something fun for just the two of us. I was once married to Tom but he wouldn't hold down a job, he smoked marijuana and had absolutely no respect for me as his wife or the mother of our child. He wouldn't hold down a job and he wouldn't even try to make our marriage work. Miraculously he decided after I divorced him to change so now after I lost my mother and my father went and found a girl friend way before I found a boyfriend (that is a whole another blog) he decides he wants me back. So here we go trying this all over. This time there will be no marriage. I have decided to give it a try I hated the dating scene and I do know him and his quirks. My thought really is I really haven't let go, let go of the loss of Marty, let go of the anger for him leaving me with two kids to raise all by myself and no manual on how to deal with it. How do you deal with losing your best friend? So I need to make a new friend. I need to start being honest and start opening up. He needs to start compromising, giving me the affection I so long for and the attention I deserve. I feel so empty inside and I think this is why I eat . I try and eat my feeling. Well my feelings run deep and are complicated,. Well enough of this for tonight i am tired and ready to fall asleep. Good night my friends,    

A DATELESS SATURDAY

So today was a wash out I wish MEN understood women better. Affection is something I lack and desperately long for. I thought today since we didn't have our daughter we would have a date day. Rebecca was at her best friends so a really thought we could have some alone time , time to connect. We just don't connect well . We only connect with our child. He thinks one way I think another. I want to go places and do new things. He wants to stay home and watch movies. I would like to start a cooking new things and photo our cooking and start a book. I would love to be one of those people who travel and try new restaurants with different types of food. I divorced my husband because of the lack of respect and affection for me, however I have found that dating sucks. I have found no one that is worthy of my time or love. They either are closeted gay's or very weird too weird for my taste. My heart is full of love, I absolutely love to do things for others. I find great pleasure in doing for others. I have a problem saying NO sometimes and I get that is a problem in itself. How do I help myself? Where do I start? How can I get this man that I do love to notice that I need affection? I just wish that I could communicate this without him taking me the wrong way. When I said something tonight he responded "But I opened the door for you" " I held your hand" really this is affection?? First I grabbed his hand and yes he did open the door for me and yes I do like that he does this but it's really not like kissing me out in public, how about grabbing my hand as we get out of the car or just simply noticing I put makeup on and dressed a little better for you today. NOPE he did none of that. Well I think I rambled on enough for tonight until the next time.....Until tomorrow my blogging friends   

September 28,2015

Tonight as I am working a read something that put my mind to work "when we are insecure we do things to be admired by people, and feel good about ourselves" Joyce Meyers. I really love Joyce Meyers she always speaks her mind and tells you like it is. One of my favorite sayings she say's is "we are not on this earth to live up to others expectations" So true, so those of us who live our lives trying to please everyone instead of doing things that make us happy we need to realize we will never please everyone. God wants us to be happy, God wants us to live a life that is filled with love and respect. There is only one person we need to answer to and that is God, the one who loves us UNCONDITIONALLY!  In 1 John 4:8 he say's "Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love". My children are my unconditional love.... No matter what these three are my life and I will love them beyond this world. They are my heart!!!

Rebecca Joy 

Austin, Rebecca and I 

Alexis Renee

These are my children!!!

September 27, 2015

This is my youngest child Rebecca and what joy she is having around. She is my 40 year old surprise. She has two brothers one 30 years old and one 20 years old and one sister who is 18 years old. Yesterday we went to the library and they had a model boat show in which they gave out to kids a model boat to put together and bring back for a trophy the next day. So that's what she did and she loved it. I love to see her face when it lights up with excitement. Yes I had this beautiful child late in my life but she defiantly keeps me feeling young. Today was a good day just to see her get that trophy.